Sunday, December 26, 2004

Lynn Brown

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When I finished school I didn't really know what to do with my life. I guess I'd always felt at a bit of a disadvantage, on account of my sissy girls' name and having only one eye. But I soon discovered this was the key to my fortune, after bumping into a Hollywood agent - literally - while looking left walking down a one-way street. My first break was scoring the title role in the smash hit comedy-horror film, Eye-Eye, Captain Cyclops!, and the rest, as you know, is history.

I'm glad the alumni have started this site, as it's given me a chance to reconnect with my fellow students who I haven't seen since leaving for LA 20 years ago. I'd just like to say, fuck you assholes. You laughed at me, but who's laughing now? Ol' 'Winky Withers', that's who. Cocksuckers. SF

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

Gilbert Blow

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Greetings, alumni of Electra High. You won’t know me, but you may think you do. This is the real Gilbert Blow.

You may have wondered why the Gilbert Blow you all knew and hated was, well, just a bit different from your usual high school student. You probably wondered why, when all you guys were out in the car lot smoking Luckies, Perry would join you for a pipe of Three Nuns. And I bet you never knew why he was the only one among you who wore a wig.

Well, I’ve got news for you guys. The Gilbert Blow you used to beat up in the showers was actually my dad. Yes, my fuckin’ father, you assholes. And here’s how.

I refused to go to high school and there was nothing the old man could do about it. That’s why I made my money in Bolivia and am now running for Senate. And that’s why, to save the family honour, Pop gave up his job, pretended to be me, and put up with years of shit on my behalf.

And not one of you noticed. Not. A. Single. Goddam. One. Jeez. That’s some education I missed out on. So long losers! HL

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Terry Jones

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We have been advised by the FBI that any graduates in contact with Mr Jones should contact their local law enforcement officer immediately. OB

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Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Mark Gatwell

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Hello again, just to let you know that I have gotten a letter from Stevie Lalk, who is very excited about the site and keen to catch up with you guys again. Stevie doesn't have access to the Internet right now, and won't for 18 months or so, but wants you to know that he's fine, despite his recent troubles. I'm sure he'll post himself when he does get internet access, although I understand that this will be on condition that he does not frequent any form of chat room.

While I'm here - Nicky Short - I still have photos of you that I took when you were on the way to the prom. Contact me and I will show you. I know you didn't notice me much when we were kids, but we are all older now. JB

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Andre Roussimoff (RIP)

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Hi my name is Andre Rene Roussimoff, and I'm French. I was a student here at Electra High in 1972. My best friend was Walter Ethanidge. I know he went on to be a drainpipe inspector - good on you, Walt! We're buddies because we both have acromegaly. It's a disease that results in an over-abundance of growth hormones. Also known as Giantism, because of this disease, my body continued growing my whole life, and by the time I was 17 I stood 6'7".

I'm now 7'4" and 500 pounds, and have a successful career in professional wrestling. I also had a very special highlight in my life. My favorite role, and the one for which I'm best remembered, was the lovable giant Fezzik in Rob Reiner's classic film, The Princess Bride. Oh, I felt so special. I know all you guys in school shunned me, used me as a windbreak when it was stormy, or hid under me in the tornado drills in class, but it's OK, no hard feelings! The best thing about being a giant is I have a big heart too. I love you all. LOR

(Found in the estate of Andre Rene Roussimoff)

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